Depressants
Saturday, October 6, 2007
I am 96% depressed.
Lately, I have these feelings of complications. I used to think that people who are always depressed are those who are very cool and I used to wish I was like them. These people, to me, they are smart and intellectual, thinking of their depressions and wanting to sort them out. Right now, I am having these thinking, I feel so depressed that I even want to slit my wrists sometimes. No, this is not for attention; it’s something that I want to blurt out.
Ever since I’m like that, I have been crying quietly every night. It is unusual to me, I seldom cry. Right now, every time I listen to certain songs, every single time to be exact, tears will automatically fall down my face and I find myself sobbing and thinking how pathetic and depressing my life is. I hate these feelings.
I know I have been blogging about my happiness. These are all just materialistic happiness, happy on the outside, yet I still find emptiness in myself. I don’t know if this is because of those teenager’s symptoms my aunt told me about, or it’s just me.
To be straight to the point, I think baby’s been hiding something from me and he refused to tell me about it. It hurts so much that I wanted to end it sometimes. It’s depressing when his ex keeps exaggerating about me and made me look like a bitch and fool. It’s depressing when I have to choose between him and my friends. It’s even more depressing when just showed face on little matters. God, I want to scream!
What’s wrong with me??!?! Sometimes I think that I’m good at hiding my own feelings, sometimes I revealed my feelings so obviously, people still don’t bother about it. I don’t like talking them to anyone. I always think that they, no offence, are simple. They don’t understand what I go through. I won’t talk to my mom about it; it will make matters even much more badly. Gosh, that sad song is ringing in my ears right now. Hold my tears!
NOBODY KNOWS ME!!!! Really, no one, except, maybe, God. I don’t even know myself. I spent 18 years searching my true self, such a waste of time. I can’t keep having this emptiness. It is really depressing.
Do you know how it hurts to love somebody? It makes you look like a super freak and a control freak. Baby told someone that I’m “clingy”. What does that mean? Am I not giving you enough space? Something in my mind keeps telling me to give it up, but people around me told me to hold on. But the question is, how long can I hold on?
He doesn’t even know that I cry every night thinking of the complications, sometimes crying myself to sleep. If mom finds out about this, I’m the blame. The only thing that keeps me from crying is force myself to work and do assignments until I tire myself.
They tell me he really likes me, how come I never actually felt about it? How come he tells people things that I don’t know and have other people telling me what he said? Is he afraid that I might be hurt?
What I always wanted to tell him is to be straight forward with me. But, these words choked in my throat when I wanted to tell him. It’s hard, ain’t it? Sigh
posted by Xia XY - My Blahs @ 10:21 PM,
1 Comments:
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At October 9, 2007 at 11:43:00 AM GMT+8,
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OMG~~~~ What's wrong with you recently...? I thought you getting yourself a nice bf will cheers you up.. But you wrote just like you're in pain now.. Just let it go... I used to cry myself to sleep, but I just let it go.. You will find yourself soon.. But I think you already have now.. You are Xia Xin Yi~~~ Not Sarah, not Jolin or Brittney Spears.. But you are JOEY... Dont think too much.. I think that will helps you more~~
GLENdenver
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